Slouching towards normality

6 11 2007

I want to feel like I’m powerful; like nothing can stop me from doing what I want. But then there are days like these where I can’t help but feel defeated. No matter what I do, it isn’t enough. It’s like my body is determined to thwart my best efforts. Now why would it do that?

One of the worst parts is wondering what this is doing to my body in the long run. How many months or years did I just shave off my life over the past three days? I cringe to think of the irreversible damage that is going on right now.

I know that this is just a small blip in the grand scheme of things, but you know what happens when a butterfly flaps its wings…

Diabetes is such a struggle to be normal. This isn’t like training for a marathon, or taking art classes, or trying to do something extraordinary. This is a struggle simply to continue to exist. Work, work, work, and what to show for it? Well, I’m not dead.

That’s a good start, but I need something that involves real progress, with something to show for it. I’m hoping my next A1c with be below 6, but so what? “Hurray, I’m normal.” I want to be better. Better than just “normal.”

I’ve done plenty of things that are cool: knitting, traveling to NYC, going to school for baking and pastry classes, etc. I’m not sure what else I can do except keep trucking along so that I can keep doing the things I love.

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